[Editor’s note: Due to non-stop bouts of projectile vomiting, Jennifer Monteagudo could not complete this review. Her emotionally stunted twin sister, Jennie, stepped in.]

Hey everyone, I’m Jennie – that’s right, spelled with an “ie” and not a “y”, because Jenny is a name for a cheerleader, and cheerleaders are total posers. I’m like Jenn’s more hardcore younger sister, you know, I shop at Hot Topic, I like to sk8, and spend most of my free time smoking cigarettes in gas station parking lots because I don’t care what my parents say [Editor’s note: Jennie is 24 years old]. I still rock out the red-star sweat cuffs, baggie jeans, and plaid arm socks, even though I live in Florida and it’s about 100 degrees out here. Jenn asked me to write this review because she never “got” a lot of music, you know, the stuff that’s too real and IN YOUR FACE, like Avril Lavigne, Linkin Park, and Fall Out Boy. Also, for some reason, after listening to Nothing On TV she decided to lay unconscious in a puddle of her own sick.

Let me just start off this review by saying that I’ve been waiting a long time for the next Evanescence to come around, and I think the Cassette Kids may be the answer to my Christian punk prayers. I never got into electro-pop or whatever; LCD Soundsystem are a bunch of posers. But Cassette Kids are a nice transition from early 2000’s pop punk to this new “indie dance” craze all those Urban Outfitters sheep keep baahing about.

First of all, you can really tell Sony BMG did their homework. I can’t imagine how many focus groups, composed of creative people like me, the label conducted in order to create the name “Cassette Kids.” Referencing “cassettes” is edgy, because it’s like the band is yelling at us that they’re retro and therefore cool. Why show that you’re cool by making good music when you can just throw the word “cassette” into your name? Also, I like that they added “kids.” There are several already-established bands with “Kids” in their name—the Cool Kids, the Black Kids—let’s keep that ball rolling instead of wasting time thinking up a unique name. Also, my parents still yell at me to hurry up and finish community college, like I was still a kid or something. Five years isn’t that long guys! So yeah, I can relate.

Nothing On TV is also a great name, because yeah, I watch a ton of TV but there’s never anything good on. It really channels the whole Gen-Y attitude; I’m all disaffected, even though I’m old enough to have a career instead of just working part time at FYE. I’ve had a bunch of opportunities to like, sell out and become a part of their mainstream system, but I’m not going to, which is why this album is for me.

After the band is done totally winning you over with their band and album names, they hit you with great songs like “Big Jerk” and “Freaky Sweetie.” Katrina Noorbergen has a voice like Gwen Stefani and her backup band makes dance pop ranging from Britney Spears circa In The Zone,to the deep, bassy grooves of The Faint (“Big Jerk”). There is also a good mix of ska punk and gritty Linkin Park nu-rock (“Wherever You Are”), and in “You Shot Me,” it’s like they held a gun to Karen O’s head and told her to make a song or lose her brains. Basically the Cassette Kids and Sony harvested from all the moneymaking dance genres and put them in one album, so you know it has to be good. Why make unique music when you can just make a formula for a song derived from other artists’ sweat and creativity? This isn’t the 90s anymore. The best part about Nothing On TV is that the mish-mash of styles all gel together to form one homogenous ‘80s dance globule; each song exactly like the last, so you don’t have to think too hard when listening. The Cassette Kids don’t use Auto-Tune, so Noorbergen’s voice at times sounds like she’s singing out of her range, but that’s ok, because the music track behind her is heavily produced to form super shiny, glossy, glitter-dipped dance music.

Fortunately, unlike many of those other “indie” dance acts out there, The Cassette Kids don’t push the envelope, so the music here is in no way challenging. And let me tell you what a relief that is! Everyday life is hard enough as it is without having to put actual effort into listening to music. In fact, after listening to the album three times, I still can’t remember a single track… not even a beat. No reason I should have to carry any music, no matter how good, around with me after I’m done listening to it.

As great and edgy as Nothing On TV already sounds, it really seals the deal with the lyrics. Bob Dylan should take a few notes on songs like “Spin”: “Let me spin another record for you baby / we can listen as the world goes crazy / if the world were to end today / this is the last song and that’s ok.” If you think these wordsmiths stop there, you’re wrong. Take this sample from “Big Jerk”: “I met him at a discothèque / I felt his lips upon my neck / he took my hand / showed me the city / we stayed up til the early morning / I used to think / that he was cool / but I don’t kid / I am no fool … everybody knows / you’re a big jerk.” I can totally relate, I dated a jerk once. Boys are stupid. In “Freaky Sweetie,” Noorbergen sings about “going psycho” with a dude and how he’s her “creepy, freaky sweetie,” and through her very descriptive words she paints a picture: motorcycle + skull and tribal tattoos. I used to have a boyfriend like that; he died attempting a motorcycle stunt he saw on Jackass.

[Editor’s Note: After Jennie finished her review, Jennifer woke up from a vomitty daze and slapped her sister into a coma. The rest of this review is the work of a violently angry Jennifer Monteagudo.]

I never thought I’d know the day when I would sympathize with a record A&R guy, but I can see how Sony got duped into signing the Cassette Kids. Songs like “Nothing On TV” and “You Shot Me” are technically palatable, although the latter may fall under copyright infringement, or even identity theft. This band groomed their “hipster/indie/electro-pop” image to look like money signs to the big record labels who are always craving more safe mediocrity. Although the Sydney quartet signed to a label more known for its payola scandal than its quality artists, even Sony doesn’t deserve the atrocity that is Nothing On TV. Either the whole of Australia lacks internet connection and imports its CDs via 19th century barges, or the Cassette Kids simply enjoy pilfering sounds from some of the worst groups of the early 2000s. The album on a whole is over-produced to within an inch of its life; so I can’t even conceive how terrible the steaming pile of demo tracks sounded.

Everything about this band is infuriating—the band, album, and track names, the music, the worthless “bonus” track at the end—they are using a mallet to pound into your head that they’re “hipster” and “cool,” but the truth is even the Williamsburg crowd aren’t a bunch of saps with their wallets hanging out waiting to buy whatever “edgy” CD was marketed to them. Unless the Cassette Kids take to armored tanks and use cannons to lodge this album into the side of your unsuspecting skull, there is no excuse for even touching it. Its formulaic songs, lazy lyrics, and focus-grouped attitude is insulting to our collective intelligence.

Track List:
1. Insomnia
2. Spin
3. Lying Around
4. Coming Back
5. Big Jerk
6. Freaky Sweetie
7. Game Player
8. You Shot Me
9. Nothing on TV
10. Wherever You Are
11. Hey Baby
12. Fatal Attraction