Posted on July 10th, 2013 (7:23 am) by Jeremy Flynn

LowRIDERz makes me feel old. Not only me though, in all likelihood they can make Brokencyde feel like William F. Buckley. How you ask? By being unabashedly superficial. Superficial in that we-have-t-shirts-at-Hot-Topic-before-we-have-a-debut-album-released type of superficial. LowRIDERz released a mixtape this year, called the Unplug from the Machine. As the quasi dance-rebel-illumanti-youtube-upvote-cyber-rave-matrix title implies, it sucks. You can probably tell that from how short my sentences are. Now let me tell you why it sucked.

Reason one: it is dance by the numbers. As my roommate/twin/fellow IYS reviewer Josh pointed out, if Centipede HZ was a burrito on the windshield, then LowRIDERz is like watching your burrito being made at the Taco Bell, except they leave out some ingredients, and burn the low-quality remainder. The ingredients in the case of Unplug being horrendously topical dance components. Grab a vocal sample, tune it down! Then get that kettle drum from “Slow Motion”! Then use it predictably! Now put on brightly colored tank tops and party like it's 2005 (and you’re a 15 year old). Now there’s nothing wrong with music that anyone can make, Lester, I know. But no one wants to hear this (I’m no one). We, and Iggy, were never cursed with a dozened slew of Stooges wannabes (we only got a handful, luckily). But thanks to the internet, we can now fill the dance barge with as many opportunistic putzes as we can (because putzes pay so well) so long as we stuff all the talent far below deck. I’m not going into specifics because the inherent proposition that is the EP is essentially flawed. You can't fix it, not even Jimmy Castor can.

Reason two: they are tourists. Check out their Soundcloud. The group is alternately making, ahem, “Southern Rock,” “RnB,” and “Acid Crunk.” Translation: whatever sticks. Stand by for a new album which will be self-promoted with blaze normative terminology such as “genre-bending” and “dance-alchemy.”

Reason three: I'm a hater.

So what’s good about it? Well there is some decent Kitty Pride wannabe rapping going on on “Crush” if you like to literalize the metaphor of masturbatory music. And they use that kettle drum pretty well. And the production is (giggle giggle) solid (giggle giggle). But they’ve poisoned their own well, and hell if I’ll be drinking it. If you can get past the induced vomiting you’ll assuredly have upon finding their press photos, and if you can get drunk enough, then you’ll love LowRIDERz’s EP. I, for one, could not, and did not.

1. Let’s Start Fires
2. Turn the Lights Down
3. Crush
4. Bang
5. Unplug from the Machine
6. Crush(Dark Dub Mix)
7. Turn the Lights Down(Dark Dub Mix)

bullshit, crap, human waste, LowRIDERz, review
Purchase at: Amazon | eMusic

Our Rating

35 / 100
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