Posted Sep 1st, 2015 (3:19 pm) by Jess Marsh
Music Player: 

Few bands can live up to their name quite like Tool does.

Tool fans, I understand your pain. I am one of you. I wish I was about to type the official release date for the follow up to 10,000 Days, which I am beginning to think IS the release date. (It has already been almost a decade.) Hell, I even wish I was telling you that Tool was charging $200 for a limited press vinyl of new material, that came in a velvet sleeve and was rubbed on Maynard James Keenan's body.

Instead, they have blessed us all with something we cannot live without. Tool has released a line of merchandise that falls just short of Kanye's white t-shirt on the "What human being would actually buy this crap?" scale. In a press release sent out this morning, Tool announced three brand new, limited quantity, double stitched, CUT AND SEW BLANKETS!!!!

Did you fall out of your chair with excitement too? Look at that beautiful, high quality work of art! The band spared no expense, crafting the limited edition blankets with fleece and RECYCLED TOOL SHIRTS!!!! Fans have wanted nothing more than to wrap themselves in the old shirts of sweaty Tool fans for years, and the band finally delivered. The press release emphasizes that the blankets are "comfortable enough for home use, durable enough for festivals," so you're sure to get a lot of use out it. There are three different designs available, and for the low, low price of $199, they are sure to sell out quick.

I am not sure what was on the mind of whoever pitched this merch idea, but it is beyond ridiculous. The price might be justified if it was a great quality throw, maybe with a high thread count, with some album art on it. I could see a hardcore fan jumping on that. But this looks like the end result of a teen D.I.Y project, out of a book bought at a craft store. This looks like it could be #3 on a Buzzfeed list of "How To Recycle Your Old T-Shirts." For a band like Tool that has held on to a decent amount of mainstream success, and is often hailed as one of the best modern progressive rock bands, there is no justification for merch like this. It feels like a joke. Maybe it is a joke? It is not like these are a cute project made by someone's kid or grandmother, sold at the merch booth on tour. It is legitimate Tool licensed merchandise, being hailed as some sort of luxury product. Disappointing, to say the least.

That being said, the press release ends with a nonsensical, Dr. Seuss-esque call to action that has nothing to do with fleece blankets.

"Remember, if you want one, don’t procrastinate! Don’t go to the nearest courtesy phone, or wait for a healing thighbone… Don’t look for unreal blue butterfly eyes on a lark, or attempt to grasp the physics of an anti-quark. Don’t go out to get a Thai noodle salad massage, or look for a doghouse with a two-car garage… TIME IS A WASTING… Why are you still reading this? I’m willing to bet you an undertaker’s wart that these new TOOL collectible blankets… go fast!”

What does that even mean? The crazy conspiracy theorist in me hopes that some sort of message lies in that weirdness. How TOOL would that be? Maybe the blankets are a distraction from a bigger announcement right around the corner. In the mean time, we still have 10,000 Days to listen to for the 10,000th time.

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