Marvin Lee Aday, better known by his nom du mic, Meat Loaf, is completely uncool. I'm sure Mr. Loaf is a very agreeable person, a fun guy to go drinking with, a decent bowling partner and a good friend and family member to those who are close to him. However, there is nothing about the music he performs which one could call “hip.” I know it. You know it. Pitchfork claims to have known it before anyone else. Dogs know it. If Meat Loaf were to go a-moseying through Williamsburg or Silver Lake, the puggles and labradoodles of those neighborhoods would all start barking very snidely, and probably under their breath. And if you yourself, the reader, are so tragically hip that you have no idea who I'm even talking about, I suggest you find about twelve spare minutes and listen to Meat Loaf's operatically excessive “I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)”.

Every detail of the production value and arrangement of this song is so over the top that it threatens to send the listener into an aural overload. Uma Thurman looked better after getting that adrenaline shot to the heart than some people do after hearing “I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)” through loud enough speakers. Seriously - this song is so over the top that Michael Fucking Bay directed the music video. Starting with almost thirty seconds of an over-driven and uber-delayed guitar attempting an impersonation of a Harley Davison, the song begins to take its true shape via a piece of baroque piano that would sound more appropriate heralding a Disney princess than it would the commencement of an album by a large-and-in-charge musical theatre geek who named himself after a comfort food. From that point, we descend into the kind of guitar solo that is usually only reserved for those “Safety On The Job”-type videos you're forced to watch during mandatory staff training. Finally, just when you think it can't get any cheesier...Meat Loaf starts singing, and it's fucking amazing.

Meat Loaf's voice is plaintive and earnest, vulnerable one moment, bombastic the next. If Puccini were still alive and composing, Meat Loaf might very well be his mouth-piece. Say what you will about Jim Steinman, the composer behind the song. His Wagnerian tendencies produce music which is the worst kind of cheesy. But, somehow, despite the instrumental excess, despite the twelve-minute length, despite the lame and confusing lyrics (just what is the “that” which the song's narrator will not do for love?), Meat Loaf's vocal performance shines through – and at some point, the attentive listener realizes that there is just simply no other place for a voice like Meat Loaf's other than in the realm of the grandiose. Such a realization doesn't excuse a bad song and its bad lyrics and its bad production value. However, even when Lorraine Crosby (who sounds like the worst parts of Melissa Etheridge and Cher combined) starts chiming in at the end, the listener cannot help but find something redeeming in the belt and boom of Meat Loaf's emotional tenor.

Maybe that's why “I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)” finds itself, in my opinion, among the great Track One Side Ones of recorded music. Because it does set the tone for the rest of Bat Out of Hell II; because it is interesting and memorable; because, in spite of all of its flaws, there is something appealing about the song in its own unorthodox and risky way. As lovers of music, we should be constantly looking for songs that challenge our sensibilities and tastes, that jerk the proverbial steering wheel drastically to the left or right, and take us down a path previously unfamiliar. Sometimes we find something ultimately good. Sometimes we find something ultimately bad. But if we find anything with even a touch of sincerity and honest intent, we should treasure the experience, even if, overall, it was a big twelve minute masturbation session for an over-zealous composer who looks like the love child of J. Mascis and Roger Ebert. Even then, there might be some really amazing vocal work to be found.

Don't pump up this jam at your party unless your party consists of three stoners and you've run out of Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVDs. Don't put this song on a mix-tape unless the object of your affection has a certain humor and personality. Don't tell anyone that you really like this song unless you have some dirt on them. Meat Loaf is not cool. “I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)” is not cool. If your goal in life is to be as cool as possible, then disassociate yourself from this song and the entire Meat Loaf catalog. But then, don't be a critic of anything – film, literature, art or music. Because the goal of the critic is not to tell people what is cool, but what is well done.