Do you remember in high school, those four guys who started a band and played a few shows in a dinky bar on a Thursday afternoon? Do you remember standing there awkwardly with your diet Coke, not able to dance, barely able to listen, wishing you hadn’t spent five dollars appeasing some dudes you probably wouldn't be friends with for much longer? Well then Bearstronaut will sound familiar: these are those four guys, all grown up and not an ounce better. The Massachusetts quartet probably titled their debut album Broken Handclaps because that’s all anyone can bear to give them, a few feeble claps and a crooked smile.

The album kicks off with “Muckraking”, a song that would no doubt be a major hit with 14-year-olds – if this were 2002. It’s straight up a pop punk (what decade is this?) mix of Atari, Fall Out Boy, and garbage – not the band Garbage, but actual garbage. Horrendously shaky, inexperienced vocals, boring drumming, and a useless synthesizer, doesn’t help the situation. “Muckracking” sounds like the product of a two-month old band; these guys just don’t seem comfortable, even in the recording studio.

Next up is “Encyclopedia,” an emo style Talking Heads-like song that mysteriously merges into Castlevania soundtrack territory. Again, the drumming is mediocre, which isn’t a sin in itself. The White Stripes had notoriously simple drumming, but made up for it (in leaps and bounds) with Jack White’s guitar and singing abilities. As for Bearstronaut’s vocals – it leaves you wondering why no one has told this guy he cant’ sing. My theory is he has a horrible disability, and no one wants to break his heart further than life has already broken his soul. Or maybe his parents just died. The only audible lyrics are “oceans of ears all around us;” I think he meant “oceans of ear plugs all around us,” because that is the only way anyone can listen to this tune.

All hope is not lost, however. Whether Bearstronaut try too hard or not hard enough remains to be seen, but they actually hit their groove in “Nursery Rhyme Scheme,” where the singer answers our prayers and doesn’t sing, but talks. It’s a quirky, fun, listenable tune, except for the mildly irritating chorus.

If you’ve been in the unfortunate situation of listening to this band (you’re pity-friends with one of the members, aren’t you?) then you’ve probably given yourself a lobotomy. If your brains have remained intact until now, applying a drill to the head is recommended before tuning to track four, “Wire,” where the vocalist again tries to hit ranges nature did not intend. Thankfully, the instrumental segment of the song is quite good, which leaves one wondering why Bearstronaut didn’t consider a lineup change before releasing their debut to the public, and humanity. Oh, the humanity.

For “Shere Kahn,” the vocalist sounds like he’s trying to imitate the Offpsring. That’s all that needs to be said about that one. “Pink Ladies and Sassy Babies” is a straight rip-off of LCD Soundsystem. For “Colonial Party,” Bearstronaut shamelessly copies the style of Modest Mouse. The last track of Broken Handclaps, “Frauline,” isn’t half bad. The Cure influence is there, but at least it’s not a Xerox copy, like the previous two tracks.

Bearstronaut suffer from an identity crisis: they don’t know if they’re a real band or a cover band, which bands they want to imitate, or even how to do it properly. The album is at least mercifully short, but is still not appropriate for the world. Any brave (or stupid) soul who gives this album a chance should just stick with “Nursery Rhyme Scheme,” the only song showing potential. If Bearstronaut want to be taken seriously as a unique band, they should spend more time finding their own distinctive sound and style, instead of ripping off every dusty album they find under their younger brothers' beds.

Track List:
1.Muckracking
2.Encyclopedia
3.Nursery Rhyme Scheme
4.Wire
5.Shere Kahn
6.Pink Ladies and Sassy Babies
7.Colonial Party
8.Frauline